Blocking

               

      Whenever my speech blocks, I feel like time stops and moves very quickly at the same time. As my mouth moves uncontrollably at lightning speed, sometimes making sounds even I don’t understand, my mind moves fast in multiple different directions. I’m racking my brain to find some way to catch my breath and stop and at the same time I’m thinking about what I’m going to say next. But it doesn’t stop there. In those few seconds, that seem to stretch on for eternity, I’m also chastising myself and wondering what the person I’m speaking to is thinking of me. Which is hard to judge when I can rarely bring myself to make eye contact with the person I’m speaking to.

But why am I avoiding their eyes? Why do I care what they think? Shame? For what- something I can’t control? Sounds silly now. But in the moment, yes. I have always had problems wanting to control things in my life. Obviously, no one can control everything. But not being able to control the way I speak? That’s hard to accept even after stuttering for 20 years. I have accepted that I stutter, but maybe I haven’t quite accepted that my speech is something I can’t always control. BUT- I can control what I do about it. 

Keep Calm and Stutter On,

Liz King