Tubthumping

In my workplace, we serve a lot of police officers. Most of them come in fairly often, several times a week. Well, a few weeks back, one of them was really rude to me. I think we were talking about diet drinks, he was saying he didn’t like the way they tasted it and I was attempting to ask him if he had tried Coke Zero. I usually stutter when I say the word “zero” and this time was no different. I didn’t even get to finish my attempt to say it when he began to make sounds that I can’t think of a way to describe except “porky-pig” sounds, and then he chuckled. Most people will confirm that I am never one to let someone run over me. I almost always stand up for myself, especially in situations like this. But this time, I simply stopped trying to say “zero” and just stared at him. Finished making his and his partner’s drinks and walked away. I still have no idea why I didn’t say anything and I instantly regretted it.  I thought about it all morning. I know there isn’t, but it almost seems like there is a statute of limitations of confronting someone. Which is far from the truth. Why should time make a difference on when you let someone know that their behavior is childish and inappropriate? It shouldn’t. But none the less. I delivered the food to their table and said nothing.

I tried to forget about what happened and couldn’t so I ended up telling a coworker about it. One of the first things they said was “maybe he didn’t know,” which is when I realized maybe that’s why I didn’t want to say anything to stick up for myself: because it probably wouldn’t ultimately matter. People think because they don’t have all of the information in the world about a person, that it gives them a right to be an asshole. FALSE. Regardless of whether you stutter or are fluent, NEVER let someone make you feel like crap and then respond with “well, I didn’t know that…” Being rude is rude. Period.

I told another coworker about the situation, because I obviously still didn’t feel okay about it. During our lunch rush, the two officers came in again and my coworker asked me if I wanted him to confront the offending officer. I told him, it didn’t matter to me, but that I wouldn’t stop him if he wanted to. He left and went and spoke with the officer. He returned a moment later and told me that the officer wanted to talk to me. I walked over and the officer told me that he was so sorry and that (of course) he had no idea that I stuttered! Like I always do, I said “It is okay,” even though it was not okay at all. I appreciated his apology, and it might have been an OK situation if the conversation had stopped there. After I awkwardly said that it was “okay,” he paused and then said “Well, now I kind of feel bad.”

             

          SERIOUSLY. WTF. What do I even say to that? I should have said “Well… you should feel bad! You were rude!” I started to. All I could get out was “Well…” and a shrug. Has anyone ever experienced that before? And if I was still upset at that point, most people would respond as if I was being a bitch. “He apologized! He didn’t know you stuttered. What else do you want?” they might say. But in reality, I had a lot to be upset about. I was disrespected and made to feel like I was a bad person for having it brought to my offender’s attention. I deserve respect. You deserve respect.

          

          In my fantasy looking back on that last conversation, instead of standing there like an idiot when he said “I didn’t know you stuttered!” I would have said “Oh really, well I didn’t know you were such an ass hole! Guess we all learned something new today.” I tell people all the time that that is no excuse. And maybe people who are fluent or who haven’t dealt with things like this before don’t get why I take things like that so seriously. I think I have just gotten to the point where I’m done putting up with the BS of people thinking ignorance is an excuse to be rude and hateful. For example, if I saw someone walking strangely or limping or something of that nature I would NEVER point, laugh, or make a cruel joke. Does this mean that I know exactly what is going on that person’s situation? NO. It could be a number of medical things that are none of my business. You can wonder about someone all you want. Go for it. But DO NOT be so mindless as to open your mouth and laugh at a stranger.

“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

                  Mark Twain

            I’m going to get down off my soap box now, guys. But the main reason I’m saying all of this, is to make sure no one else feels the same way I did. Never feel like you can’t stand up for yourself. Never let anyone make you feel less than human. Never let someone make you feel like you don’t deserve respect. Don’t let anyone take your dignity. 


Oh and 10 points and a gold star for anyone who gets the title of this post. :)

Just Like Me

I meant to write this weeks ago. But I’m sure you know how life gets in the way. It’s funny how you can feel so out of place, so glaringly different and then one small thing can change that, even if just for a moment. You can function in world, communicate, you go about your business. You get along with most people and you’re pretty friendly. But you just don’t quite fit. You know there are other people who feel the same way as you. You know this in your mind. But sometimes it doesn’t really feel that way. And then you talk to someone, just for three minutes and you finally get it. Those other people who are like you, they actually exist!

              

           A couple of weeks ago, I had a customer come in who stuttered. Now, this is actually not the first time this has happened. Once I had a man come in who stuttered a little. I was too afraid to mention it because it was so slight. Other people might not have picked up on it, but I did. I was afraid he might not actually stutter and I would just embarrass myself or something like that. But this time, I knew he stuttered. They were those blocks that leave you gasping for breath- the same blocks I have every day. The very same. This guy was like me. When I felt alone, when I felt like a freak, when I felt discouraged- this stranger knew how I felt. I don’t know how else to describe the feeling I had except that I was instantly at ease. As I took his order I actually stuttered more. But I didn’t even care. He didn’t care or respond. And in those short 3 moments I didn’t have to apologize for taking too long. I didn’t have to feel bad wondering what the other person was thinking. I didn’t look away, ashamed of something I couldn’t control. I didn’t have to feel remorse over who I am.

               

          After he left, I was elated. I was so happy. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. I told everyone around me, “There’s someone else like me!!” I don’t feel that at ease all the time now. But that prick of pain that happens when someone is rude or stupid or gives me a strange looks is a tiny bit less. It may seem small, but that makes a difference. I’m a member of several groups on Facebook for people who stutter. And everyone said how great it was to meet and talk to someone else who stuttered, but I didn’t get it. I was even afraid to watch the videos people had posted. I think I was afraid of how it would feel to hear someone else stuttering. What it annoyed me? I would feel the same as people who talked to me. I might think “Is that how I sound too?” and just feel worse. But it wasn’t like that at all. I was wrong.

             

        So, I guess my point is, if you ever feel alone, you’re not. You’re really not. You may stick out from the group of people you’re around, but it won’t be like that forever. There are other people like you, you just have to reach out and find them.

Blocking

               

      Whenever my speech blocks, I feel like time stops and moves very quickly at the same time. As my mouth moves uncontrollably at lightning speed, sometimes making sounds even I don’t understand, my mind moves fast in multiple different directions. I’m racking my brain to find some way to catch my breath and stop and at the same time I’m thinking about what I’m going to say next. But it doesn’t stop there. In those few seconds, that seem to stretch on for eternity, I’m also chastising myself and wondering what the person I’m speaking to is thinking of me. Which is hard to judge when I can rarely bring myself to make eye contact with the person I’m speaking to.

But why am I avoiding their eyes? Why do I care what they think? Shame? For what- something I can’t control? Sounds silly now. But in the moment, yes. I have always had problems wanting to control things in my life. Obviously, no one can control everything. But not being able to control the way I speak? That’s hard to accept even after stuttering for 20 years. I have accepted that I stutter, but maybe I haven’t quite accepted that my speech is something I can’t always control. BUT- I can control what I do about it. 

Keep Calm and Stutter On,

Liz King